my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
