I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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