when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
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You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
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WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
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