Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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