i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I cut my penus on the lid.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
