After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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