A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
