She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
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No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
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She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
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