I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
