in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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