he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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