My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
