I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
