My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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