I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize
