Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Princesses don't give blow jobs
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
