can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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