if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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