I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
