glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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