I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
