please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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