I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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