I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
