You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
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