who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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