Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
