Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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