ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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