I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Sext me about skeletons
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
