mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
