I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
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I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
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He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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