she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
