Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Randomize
