Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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