2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
