i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
