my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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