When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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