one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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