Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
