I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
