shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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