in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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