I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
