The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
