Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Randomize
