the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
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