Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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