I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
