Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
