ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
