I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
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She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
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Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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