Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
