I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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