if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
