The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Randomize
