I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
