Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
