Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
