this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
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90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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