hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
