A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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