I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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